I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I have feelings that need drinking.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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