Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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