he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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