Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
