I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
