I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
