you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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