end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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