U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
