I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
