And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
