The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
