I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
