Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I puked a lego.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
its liver damage thursday
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
