oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
