Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
