If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
