I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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