im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
