The maid of honor just puked.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
