the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
