wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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