I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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