goodnight i made you a song goodbye
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
