U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
