it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Someone came in the potted fern
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
