I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
