her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
