Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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