my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
