Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
