Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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