Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
