I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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