I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
