Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
