i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
