Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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