I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
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