I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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