Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize
