The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
