She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
