is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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