We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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