look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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