I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
