My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
