I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
is wine microwaveable?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
