Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
